“When I finally leave this home, I’ll be carried out feet first.” She said it with iron-will conviction, and she fairly dared her family members to challenge her. It was very clear: Peggy was not going to leave the home where she had raised her children, celebrated dozens of Christmas seasons with her grandchildren, and cared for her husband until his passing.
My encounter with this spirited 95-year old woman recently was the highlight of my week. I admired her tenacity and spunk, and told her so. Peggy’s real situation, however, was not so positive. Her frailty and health needs required her son, in his 50’s, to make weekly and sometimes daily trips to assist her. She had sustained two falls and was having trouble crossing a room with her walker. The daily climb up the steep steps was a risky challenge. Even with in-home care, it was clear that the home was too much for her. Very soon, her family would have to have “the talk.”
Since SASH provides an easy home sale service to seniors, we are often brought into the home while these conversations are taking place. Through the our professional and personal experience, we have found that it helps to remember these four tips when sensitive topics like “moving” and “selling” are brought up with an aging loved one.
First, wrap each sentence with kindness. Leaving one’s home after so many years is traumatic and sad, like experiencing a death in the family. Sometimes it’s necessary to take off the “business” hat and put on the “neighbor” hat. Listen to them share the memories that took place between those walls. When the list of decisions becomes long and grueling, break it up with stories, smiles, understanding, and phrases that affirm their independence.
Second, show respect for their home, no matter its condition. So what if the drapes are fifty years old? Perhaps it hasn’t been updated since the 60’s. Maybe unpleasant odors permeate the house. Even in a dilapidated condition, it’s still their treasure. Almost eighty years old, Mr. Conway is a dear client we have enjoyed getting to know. His home is leaning into the ground, with a giant gaping hole in the ceiling of his kitchen. Yes, it’s time for him to move, but the way that we converse about his well being and potential options can always keep his honor and dignity intact. We have a great time talking about his life in the Army, and we admire how tidy he keeps his grass outside. If a conversation about the care of the home comes up, we keep in mind what it is for him: home.
Third, gently lay out the events that are requiring the move, covering the major categories: health, finances, practicality, convenience, location of family, mobility, etc. It’s not a speech. Rather, it’s a conversation promoting a pro-active, independent, healthy lifestyle. Sometimes independence means being free of a large home to care for. Sometimes health means finding more opportunities to be around others on a daily basis. It’s important that they feel a part of the decision-making process, informed of what’s going on and educated about different pathways to care and independence.
Fourth and last, allow plenty of time and space for the senior to absorb the changes and process the transitions. We in the younger generations are used to instant results, quick decisions, and tight schedules. We’ll buy a home and sell it eight months later. We’ll change jobs several times in a decade. We’ll place deadlines on life events and follow 16-hour daily regimens to meet them. That approach may work for us, but often, it’s too fast and too much for our aging seniors. With the exception of urgent situations requiring fast work, most big home transitions can take a few months or even years to complete. Be patient - you’re on their schedule, as lengthy and inconvenient as it might seem sometimes. Allow time for decisions, for phases of the transition, and for rest in between.
Mr. Goldman plans to sell his lakefront home of fifty years, but first he wants to replace the canopy on his dock. Being 92 years old doesn’t faze him a bit. We call and check in, and when he’s ready, we’ll be there to make the transition as smooth as we can. He may be building his canopy, but he’s also building something else – the courage and faith within him to take the biggest step of his retirement years. And we’re cheering him on all the way.
About the author: Rebecca Bomann is Founder and CEO of The SASH Program, a service that provides private and custom-designed home sales for senior homeowners. SASH is based in the Seattle, WA area. For more information visit www.sashprogram.com.